It's all absolutely fine

Rubyetc (Ruby Elliot) is an artist in her 20's, who also happens to have been struggling with various forms of mental illness for much of her life. Her way to express herself and to keep on living is to draw. She's had a presence on the net for some years - Tumblr, FacebookTwitter and Instagram, and has now launched a book It's all absolutely fine, which continues the blend of thoughts and drawings that have already made her so popular and relateable online.

I came across the book by accident, when a friend on Facebook flagged it up, and was so impressed by a quick glance that I ordered it immediately from Amazon. Here's the thing - I suffer from depression. Most of the time I am "absolutely fine", but sometimes I'm really not, I am the "all absolutely fine" of the title; and that's where I'm at now.

Sometimes it just hits out of nowhere. For me, there are usually stress triggers. Life this year has been more than usually pants; I can deal with it for so long and then it just becomes too much, and that's sort of where it is for me at the moment.

I stress about stress. Everything feels too much, so just dealing with the everyday becomes difficult, having to deal with extras on top feels impossible. I worry. I worry all the time. And I can't turn the worry switch off. I apologise for everything, even when I know it's not my fault (it has to be my fault surely, everything else is?).

I worry about my partner, I know he's finding it difficult dealing with my depression, and I try not to do the mad depressive in front of him because I don't want to lose him, but at the same time it's bursting out of me. It's hard enough to keep it together in work, so keeping it together at home too is well-nigh impossible. I stop being the confident person that I am normally, and become insecure (not just about him, about life in general), and most of the time I feel so alone. My brain is racing like a hamster on a wheel, and I feel trapped inside my own depression.

Perhaps this is why Ruby's book is so brilliant. She's speaking solely from her own experience, and everyone's experience of mental illness will be different - from the illness itself to the way the individual deals with it, but there are some things that will be shared in common. It's a way out of the aloneness when you're feeling at your most alone, and for that I've got to say thank you.


Margaret Jones said…
Sadly, my partner has left me. The depression along with other stresses was too much for him to cope with. I don't blame him for this - depression is a horrible thing to have to deal with, but I miss him so.

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