Breast cancer and me : assessing the damage

A week after the op, I had an appointment with the breast care nurse to check the wound. Throughout the week there had been no need to do anything to the dressings (one for the breast, one for the lymph node area in the armpit), and I'd been careful on the few occasions that I'd showered - I had been advised by the surgeon to do strip washes only for the first 5 days post-op - to not make the dressings so damp that I needed to redo them. Not something I fancied trying to do by myself.

So, this was the first opportunity to assess the wound post-op and to check all was OK. It was also the first chance I had to look at it properly.

I will talk more about it in another post but due to the position of Leonard the lump, I had been told that the nipple would need to go. Of course I was OK with this. It was more important that the cancer was removed than anything else, and I had been reassured that if I wished, there could be a nipple reconstruction a year on  which, at that point, I was sure I wouldn't request.

I'm not in a relationship, I'm 60, I'm not particularly expecting that there will be a relationship in the future (though would be happy should Mr. Right come along). And I've never been particularly proud of my breasts. They're ok, but have never been in line to win bosoms of the year. 

The nurse removed the dressing, said that everything looked fine, and that it was healing nicely albeit rather bruised. I took a deep breath, and looked down. Even though I had been prepared for what to expect, I can't say it wasn't a shock. My poor breast looked so mangled. I stumbled out of the clinic, drove to a nearby cafe, and sat in the car and cried.

All of this is ridiculous. I know that it's nothing to what some women have to deal with. And the upside of losing the nipple is that I lost it because the lump was near the surface. Losing the nipple has meant I have had no pain to deal with post-op, and minimal problems with soreness too. All of which has meant that recovery has been unexpectedly good. I'm being positive but I can't say that it doesn't hurt to see it like this.

Top tip - courtesy of my cousin, Neil - Be kind to yourself.

You may think you know exactly how you're going to feel, but your emotions can break through in surprising ways.

And there's always books and gingerbread lattes.